I've been crying and looking back at the times I had him as a best friend. He was with me for 6years and I abandoned him. I hate my mom for not letting me have a choice to keep him by my side till the very end, and I miss him dearly.
I miss him so much, I din't want to leave him. I cried the day before I had to leave him, I cried the day I let him go and I'm still crying now as I type this blog post a day after letting him go. I see my new companion next to me, and felt no love for him anymore as I miss my best friend for 6 years, but he's not here with me no more.
I chose him, he was mine, my first and I thought my last. He was the smallest in the bunch, the cutest of all. But he grew up very protective and started hurting people who were dear to me. No one wanted to help me tame my Best friend, no one could help me save his life. I miss him so badly and it hunts me everyday. Is he alive, or is he dead? I have to live with this everyday for the rest of my life. For I could not do it, I could not end his life.
Before, he only had me, but he met a another, they fell in love and all his love went to her, I was happy for him for he gave her my new companion. They had 5babies, but he was scared of them, I don't know why but he was terrified at their active and hyper character. He loved her very much, so much he even bit me to protect her, I was scared for awhile, and did not touch him, in fear of him attacking me. After that incident I went to care for the babies, I took care of them, played with them and slept with them, One by one they were adopted, But one was left behind and now he's sleeping by my side. I fell in love with him and had him as my new companion. After loving my new companion, I abandoned my best friend, I know I shouldn't have, but the love for my new companion grew stronger. This made my best friend cried for me and he wanted my attention, but I ignored him. (sigh)
My best friend was with me for 6 years, and I took care of him. I woke up at 5am when he was just a baby to play with him when he cried in his room for my attention, I woke up every morning if it rained to see if he was okay, I brought him to the clinic when there was something wrong with him, I played with him when he was bored.
He sat by my side when I was doing my work, He tried to protect me when people yelled at me, He scolded anyone who came too close to me, he grew old and deaf because of me.
He was my first Best friend and I did not know how to do alot of things, I did not know how to clean he's ears, I did not know how to cut he's nails. Even if I brought him to the groomers nor the doctors, he's ears never healed, I made him deaf and it's all my fault.
I don't feel like having a best friend like him anymore, I don't want to abandon anyone anymore, when I leave for Australia, I have to abandon this companion as well, He will be taken care of by my sister who I hope dearly that she can do so, for he's very attached. But I guess he's not as attached as my best friend who I had to abandoned.
I hate myself, I really do.
I cried and held him tight as I said my goodbye, it took me half an hour of holding him tight. But I had to, as I did not know where to leave him. No one will take him, he bites. My mom doesn't want me to keep him anymore, because he bit my mom. He bit my mom cause she raised her voice at me, he was protecting me and now, I did not protect him back.
I hate myself. I hate hate hate hate myself.
I'm tired of thinking of him anymore, every time I think of him, I cry. I feel like the worst person in the world. And I feel so frustrated. I miss him so much and no one can help me, it's not home without him. Every time I step outside the door, I look at the places he use to lay down and wait for me. I miss him so much.
He cried when I left him in the shelter, the shelter was my last resort, no one wanted to help me take care of him, not even my relatives. He cried and I too cried, and I guess my tears will not stop tearing, for I will never know if he's still alive or not.
But all I know is he's waiting for me to pick him up, and I can't go back to take him......
2005 - 25.03.11
